talent

it's not wise

wanting.

it's also not wise--

cruel even--

to tell people things will get better

cz for some. it obviously won't. in ways that matter.

i know my life would be so much easier if i dont care what my mom says to me

what she thinks of me

that i can go be the daughter she wants me to be and go about it without giving two shits of what she thinks about it

that she can comment

that she can be whatever mom she wants to be

and i can be whatever daughter she wants me to be

without the heartbreak

and the suffocation

so i spent years engineering specialized defense,

an effort so intense

so, so desperate

that by now

i have developed numbness to almost everything but her.

i dont care what you think.

i dont care what my friends think.

i dont care what people would say, i dont care that i got hurt, i dont care if i'm sickly, i didnt care when i lost all my hard-earned money, i didnt care when i failed a class or when i aced a lot, i didnt care, i dont care, i dont care, i dont care, nothing is ever mine, not my grade, not my knowledge, not my friends, not my life, it doesnt matter, nothing matters, but one word from her

one word

and i'll crumble,

i'll fucking collapse right then.

stupid right

it's so fucking dumb.

being her daughter

and the person i am

it's not wise,

wanting.

so aside from misdirected defense

i have developed a talent:

killing every want

personal money personal achievement personal journey personal friends personal ways to live personal opinion personal thoughts personal something, something, anything

so by now

i am an expert of that:

killing wants

yet i somehow always

somehow leave the most taxing desire alive

which is to leave and cut off all, every single tie with everyone i know as i know now.







i dont know why i always want impossible things.

greed

cz baby you know we're all everything at once, have always been, will always be

relapse

if you read this and you're my friend then dont picture my face, dont pull up old memory for the sake of it, dont fucking think about me.

i am just some nameless person in the internet you stumble across. this is some shitty post you read somewhere from some link someone sent you, reeling you in to laugh along with them or to ask your two cents nobody actually fucking cares about.

no, in fact i would advise you to stop here and get out before you chat me up and asking whats wrong and shit cz as far as you're concerned this isnt me. dont wanna engage in any conversation about this ever. if you read on you're gonna remember this; when you're done, steer away. mull over it in your bed for all i care just dont look for me. dont give me additional headache that is attending your concerns. i dont care about updating you whats up. dont ask. dont store this in your information about me, dont associate this with my face, shit just dont fucking talk to me about this. this is a part of me you would never meet, you would never have to deal with, so save it, it's as good as it doesnt exist.






im

relapsing.

this time i know i wont make it

i should give up

with all the brain cells ive been racing these months
i thought my heart had atrophied
well i thought wrong.
its weird getting called annoying when youve been really careful or trying to make sure multiple times with every party that whatever u did is anything but that. its not like you havent discussed your borders--you have, and thats why it stings even worse. it seems like friendship doesnt work that way. so its a wrong theory. whatever.

well maybe my heart doesnt. my emotional inhibition does. i feel stupid cz even then, i dont dare attaching 'annoying' to any of my friend. it sounds like a strong word. it is a strong accusation. it feels too much like a verbal abuse--or thought abuse, just to think that of someone i am friend with. maybe i am that annoying friend everyone has, which explains why i dont have the muscle to be annoyed at them. i dont know. i just feel bad.

i dont know why i even tried?

people are born alone and die alone
yeah. theres that. maybe i shouldnt do social hassles in the first place, since i somehow always end up annoying people

(still not annoyed just sad)

heyyyy

it's the poet u made fun of yesterday.