talent

it's not wise

wanting.

it's also not wise--

cruel even--

to tell people things will get better

cz for some. it obviously won't. in ways that matter.

i know my life would be so much easier if i dont care what my mom says to me

what she thinks of me

that i can go be the daughter she wants me to be and go about it without giving two shits of what she thinks about it

that she can comment

that she can be whatever mom she wants to be

and i can be whatever daughter she wants me to be

without the heartbreak

and the suffocation

so i spent years engineering specialized defense,

an effort so intense

so, so desperate

that by now

i have developed numbness to almost everything but her.

i dont care what you think.

i dont care what my friends think.

i dont care what people would say, i dont care that i got hurt, i dont care if i'm sickly, i didnt care when i lost all my hard-earned money, i didnt care when i failed a class or when i aced a lot, i didnt care, i dont care, i dont care, i dont care, nothing is ever mine, not my grade, not my knowledge, not my friends, not my life, it doesnt matter, nothing matters, but one word from her

one word

and i'll crumble,

i'll fucking collapse right then.

stupid right

it's so fucking dumb.

being her daughter

and the person i am

it's not wise,

wanting.

so aside from misdirected defense

i have developed a talent:

killing every want

personal money personal achievement personal journey personal friends personal ways to live personal opinion personal thoughts personal something, something, anything

so by now

i am an expert of that:

killing wants

yet i somehow always

somehow leave the most taxing desire alive

which is to leave and cut off all, every single tie with everyone i know as i know now.







i dont know why i always want impossible things.