it's not wise
wanting.
it's also not wise--
cruel even--
to tell people things will get better
cz for some. it obviously won't. in ways that matter.
i know my life would be so much easier if i dont care what my mom says to me
what she thinks of me
that i can go be the daughter she wants me to be and go about it without giving two shits of what she thinks about it
that she can comment
that she can be whatever mom she wants to be
and i can be whatever daughter she wants me to be
without the heartbreak
and the suffocation
so i spent years engineering specialized defense,
an effort so intense
so, so desperate
that by now
i have developed numbness to almost everything but her.
i dont care what you think.
i dont care what my friends think.
i dont care what people would say, i dont care that i got hurt, i dont care if i'm sickly, i didnt care when i lost all my hard-earned money, i didnt care when i failed a class or when i aced a lot, i didnt care, i dont care, i dont care, i dont care, nothing is ever mine, not my grade, not my knowledge, not my friends, not my life, it doesnt matter, nothing matters, but one word from her
one word
and i'll crumble,
i'll fucking collapse right then.
stupid right
it's so fucking dumb.
being her daughter
and the person i am
it's not wise,
wanting.
so aside from misdirected defense
i have developed a talent:
killing every want
personal money personal achievement personal journey personal friends personal ways to live personal opinion personal thoughts personal something, something, anything
so by now
i am an expert of that:
killing wants
yet i somehow always
somehow leave the most taxing desire alive
which is to leave and cut off all, every single tie with everyone i know as i know now.
i dont know why i always want impossible things.